The real reason why I party so hard? It is the only subject I am incapable of failing. Just take more drugs and you’re fine. Anything academic, however, points out that sometimes you’re not as good as other people, you’re never going to be the smartest, never going to be the best. And I really hate not being the best. So that’s why I think I haven’t tried lately. And now that I’m trying again, I find I still feel the same sense of infinite inferiority that asks me, why even try. If you’re not the best at something then why. even. try.
oh life
AK showed up unannounced on my doorstep the other week, first time in about 5 months. He said it was because last time we spoke I was angry at him so he thought he’d come over on his lunchbreak. A week later he did it again, we fucked. It was awesome. I have a fuckbuddy! And although my friends are disapproving, I don’t think any of them are worried, which I think says a lot. Also, fucked LC a few times a month or so ago. He wanted me back, told me I was pure and he was wrong, blablabla. Then he made out with one of my friends and told me to stop going to Eurotrash to pick up, which enraged me. I just wanted to bang and cuddle. That’s all I want, really. Fucking and cuddling, everything else I have my wonderful friends for. Speaking of bangin’, check out the fringe I only ever cut while off my face.
Neat, hey? Also, remember to write about peace park, -ci/b, hand relief, new job and new people. Right now I have to do my Democracy readings, coz I’m going to be good at uni this year. For realsies. Too much partying, now need to ensure a future full of money to fund more sophisticated partying.
Leave, secret, suicide, kick, and pogo. Kat, you need to get yourself out of this funk. Called Kerby for the first time in weeks, asshole had deleted my number. It was fine after that and he was mildly apologetic, but I do believe he’s back with his ex before me. Fuck this, I was used. I vow never to let myself be treated like that again, and I have to stop being passively terrible to Luke, and I have to not be such a homewrecker in my mind. STOP BEING A TARD, KAT.
he wrote me a song!
It goes like this, to the tune of Spiderman:
Sexylegs, sexylegs, something something (too stoned to remember) sexylegs,
If she filled kegs, with her legs,
Then we’d call her lagerlegs
But for nooowww, she’s called sexylegs.
In reference to my dislike for his petname for me. I managed to get him to change it to intelligent legs for a while but I think he just likes stirring me. We talked for ages about absolutely nothing. We were talking about which sides we like sleeping on and permashotgunned that side, and then he goes, ‘I think we just decided our sides.’ All significant like and all I could say was, ‘… Yeah.’ He’s so nice to me and helped me move everything after a day of manual labour and when I was stressing he just gave me hugs and kisses and then I didn’t care so much anymore. And he chilled with my dad. He’s great.
So we’re together now, he makes me pancakes and helps me get the knots out of my hair and always laughs when I wake him up by drunkdialling him instead of getting angry. He tells me I’m beautiful a lot, and how lucky he is. I’ve met his parents and some friends, we’ve already had fights. When we see each other we don’t do much of anything, make food, play some guitar, stare at each other a lot. Crazy. I’m pretty happy. Kinda, really happy.
James the awesome doorman drew a smileyface man with a purposely disportionally large head on my hand. He painted his nails with my awesome blue nailpolish and I gave him miso soup and mi goreng. I totally went to where his girlfriend lives in England, and we might be going to Meredith. We talk about a lot of shit, always very illuminating. Yesterday he asked if I’ve ever been a street kid, in all seriousness. I told him he has an aura of gay. A gayra, if you will. Sometimes it pays off, talking to random people, like that time I talked to this dude in the smoker’s at FreakOut and he was from Passion Pit.
it happened!
We kissed! Finally! It was so intense. So many times. Oh god. So intense, insanely intense, thank fuck I have enough self-restraint to have stopped it numerous times. Oh wow. And he stopped! And apologised! And then tried again lol. And we fell asleep cuddling, and I woke up when we weren’t and then moved away and then he woke up and then it was all intense again and so sweet and he wanted to make pancakes in the morning! And we cuddled and wow.
‘Can I tell you something… and can you not laugh at me?’
‘Sure, what.’
‘You have the cutest nipples I have ever seen in my life. I’m all over them. Like, ever.’
‘BAHAHAHAHAHA’
‘You laughed.’ TICKLES
bah I’m going to shut up now. Anthony, the dude with the girlfriend from Freakout msgd me today asking what I was doing on the weekend. Whatever, go away. Luke txtd me trying to fight about Harith again. Again, whatever. I’m done with feeling bad for nothing. I want someone that makes me happy.
‘I always kinda thought it’d happen, or maybe just wanted it to.’ His best friend said she wants to meet me, he msgd me. Oh I just want to see him again but don’t want to seem creepy.
Art vs Science
Saw Tim and jean and Art vs Science with Kirsty and Viv’s group last night. I have a bruise between my boobs where my bra was pressed into me by people pressing me into the barriers. Totally went nuts, nearly passed out at the end. And then we went to Bang! and railed a cap each and went dancing with Jinx and Cleatarse. Totally bonded with everyone there that night. Slotty and Andy were super cute and crazy. A boy tried to pick me up, his name was George. He was cute, shy, gentlemanly, and smart. He apologised for putting on the moves on the dance floor when I rejected him and took him outside for a smoke. He twirled me around like a princess, to death metal and Rihanna. I don’t know why I couldn’t just kiss him. I got his number though, just in case I change my mind. But I probably won’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Came back and smoked with Andy and Kirsty. Strange things were talked about, I know that much, but I can’t remember a thing.
oh you
Kerby came over. We spooned lots and he gave me lots of kisses but not on my lips, like my hair and my neck and my hand and my fingers. He’s a cutie. I don’t know if I want this yet. I’m worried I’m just another conquest, and if it’s more than just sex then shit, do I want that now?
Also my beloved Kirsty is ok! Yay! And 27th August is the date that she first got kicked out of a place. Mark this day! It is a great day.
night
So Glenn likes me and this guy got my number tonight at Freak Out but he had a girlfriend what a sleaze, (saw Zach too and wow so awkward) and then I dragged them to Pit, and then one my of best friends Kirsty left, and I was/am really worried, but I trust that she knows herself well enough to know what to do. Otherwise I think I would just jump off a cliff if anything bad happened to her. And Ben was really touchy, and he actually said that I’m perfect and that he wants to marry me, but he wants more for me because he has too much baggage. I’m feeling way too glad about this. And then, I called that dude Anthony with the girlfriend, coz they’d left and we talked for a good 10 minutes about jack all, I think we’ll be friends. And Tommy was nice, covered me even though I’d accidentally smoked weed he’d given me in the upstairs bit. And then I call Kerby because I’m fucked, and he’s driving over at 6.30 to come comfort me because I can’t sleep. I want Kirsty to be ok I’m so worried. We did such a cocktail of drugs tonight, so fun but I’m just worried not all went well.
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